Reflections Of A Newlywed

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh ~Genesis 2:24

“Becoming one flesh is a process, not a step.”  I am thankful for these wise words from a mentor who wanted to encourage me as I prepared for marriage.  He was letting me know that I should not feel the pressure to have everything figured out at the beginning of my marriage.  My one year anniversary just passed, and I am grateful for my wife and the grace of the Lord.  Living in a nation that is growing more cynical of marriage can be exhausting and even discouraging. However, I was given advice by mature, seasoned, and joyfully married people who helped me and my wife have proper focus.  Below are some of those encouragements.

1. Marriage is a discipline.

A good marriage does not just happen.  Both people have to work at it, much like any discipline.  How does any person (piano player, singer, carpenter, athlete, artist, etc.) get better at their craft?  They practice.  They fail.  They learn.  They enjoy progress no matter how big or small.  Marriage is similar.  If you put nothing into it, you will get nothing out of it.  You have to be active, not passive.  I am reminded of this every time I want to come home and just watch television or read for hours instead of engaging with my wife.

2. Marriage is 100%, not 50/50

Even though “50/50” is a nice sentiment, it is not a very biblical concept.  If the two become one, everything is mine as well as hers.  50/50 leads to divisiveness.  Usually when someone says it, they mean that people in marriage should compromise and not insist on their own way, and I agree with that.  But, we are sharing one life together, and it is not sectioned into halves.  All that I have belongs to my wife and vice versa.  I am reminded of this when I selfishly want to spend money I think belongs to me.

3. Develop “we” thinking

You should not get married if you are not willing to regularly make decisions that impact more than you.  If you want personal freedom and rights to make decisions without discussion or consideration, then marriage will be a great frustration.  Marriage unites people, so you can never assume that any decision you make only impacts you.  It is not “me” you have to worry about anymore; it is “we.”  How will my spending impact US?  How will my time commitments impact US?  Is the friendship with this person going to be healthy for US?  This is a hard lesson for my selfish heart.

4. Don’t let just anybody give you marriage advice.

I steer clear of people who speak negatively about marriage, whether single or married.  I understand hearing from people who are honest about the difficulties of marriage, but there is a difference when people consistently refer to “the ol’ ball n’ chain” that is sucking the life out of them.  I am determined to only take marriage advice from people who believe that marriage is hard but worth it.  If I do not hear an even balance of both, then you are either jaded or naïve and I would prefer not to follow either example.

 

“Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.  You have to pace yourself.”   These are more wise words from a mentor.  I am so thankful that I have insightful, God-honoring, and spouse-loving people who have gone years in front of me so I can learn from their lives.  I do not have marriage figured out, and I will most likely never figure it out. But, I am thankful for the opportunity to love someone the way Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25) and I am looking forward to the rest of the journey ahead.